DPD: your package will either be delivered by Gwen or Larry. Gwen has a 5 star customer service award and is very friendly. Larry is practicing to become an olympic shot putter and your parcel is his chance to win big.

DHL: we delivered your package. you owe us the import duty plus £19 for prepaying the import duty. no we do not have a way for you to prepay the import duty ahead of time. pay us £19. no it's not a loan with a 36500% APR it's a duty advancement fee. pay us £19. no it does not matter that we were actually hired by the retailer and have no contract with you. pay us £19. we are definitely not attempting to extort £19 from you. pay us £19. pay us £19.