DPD: your package will either be delivered by Gwen or Larry. Gwen has a 5 star customer service award and is very friendly. Larry is practicing to become an olympic shot putter and your parcel is his chance to win big.

DHL: we delivered your package. you owe us the import duty plus £19 for prepaying the import duty. no we do not have a way for you to prepay the import duty ahead of time. pay us £19. no it's not a loan with a 36500% APR it's a duty advancement fee. pay us £19. no it does not matter that we were actually hired by the retailer and have no contract with you. pay us £19. we are definitely not attempting to extort £19 from you. pay us £19. pay us £19.

@jonty or, in my case, FedEx: we will try to charge you £280 and send debt collectors after you because we arbitrarily decided that your package made us do too much customs paperwork, even though you never asked us to do anything and we already delivered the parcel.